The last few weeks have been difficult. Change inducing and hard. I've Learned a few new lessons along the way.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very transparent person. My life and my experiences are always out in the open for everyone to see. 
Lately I have been having a hard time with sharing and expressing excitement, or more so being afraid to be excited. Our family has been searching for a home of our own for quite a long time and every time I seem to find hope or possibilities I am let down. Time and time again there is always an issue with something in our search. The owner didn’t like us, the owner thought we made too little, the owner didn’t like that we were servers, they didn’t like the cat, an owner just forgot about us, someone else got the house, we never got called back. 
 The typical struggle of deciding where to live plus our own individual difficulties make for a process that is no longer fun and exciting, and instead is a difficult experience for us to undergo. It makes it to where neither of us has the drive nor desire to move. We have started to dread looking at homes, to despair over the process rather than enjoy it. We are afraid to even speak up about seeing a home because of the chance that it could not work out. 

I have even begun to distance my joy from my heart about having a home of our own. I have dropped my expectations, I have let go of my desires, I have dropped my anticipation....and I have struggled with the realization that our home could very well end up being something that is a lot less than what I wanted. I have watched friends get new homes.I have helped several of them move in. 

I have asked God to ease the jealousy, the envy, the pain. And with his unending grace and mercy he has always helped me. The hardest part for me though, was that I never thought I could see myself living in so many places. That I would get an inner stir about so many places and that the so sure feeling.... could be wrong. Not only wrong, but wrong multiple times. The disheartening realization that the gut feeling I was getting could be jumping to conclusions. Over and over again.

How do I contain these emotions? More so how do I keep my fear from controlling my reactions and ruining the whole experience for us. Those are questions I have begun to ask myself.

I felt myself begging God for clarity and peace, for patience, and his guidance. In those moments I would sit here crying out “God….cause something in my heart to stir. Give me some gigantic desire to move. Give me a why. Give me a reason. Instill hope instead of fear.”

The other night while driving home the song Oceans by Hillsong played and I almost burst into tears in the car. The words just speak so deeply to my heart right now. It is everything I have been asking him to do in me. PLEASE prove to me that I CAN bear this journey. I was silently reminded that my feet may fail. In fact, in most of the places he calls us to walk we can not do it all alone. 

In the bible, time and time again you see examples of this. I have spoken about dream struggle victory before. But lately all I see is STRUGGLE DREAM STRUGGLE. I need to adjust my focus. I need to remember that just because Noah built the ark it doesnt mean he didnt question God. He had fear and doubt but he faced it confident that God had a purpose and a plan for him. Moses talked to a burning bush and had his disbelief. But he trusted and acted upon that trust. SO where does my fear, disbelief, and doubt change into passionate trust? To get different results….we change. We printed up a list of fifty names and numbers that the landlord could call if they questioned our character or responsibility. We are coming to grips with the fact that we may very well have to give up our cat. We have lengthened our drive to work, we have gone outside of the counties we were originally sticking to. We have lowered our expectations. We have sacrificed. We have grown. We have changed. We have tried. BUT have we simply trusted?

This week I have struggled to show true joy. I have hidden it. I don’t want to get excited for no reason; I hate sharing excitement and then having sorrow follow soon after. So many questions follow that thought. Am I unfaithful by not expressing happiness? Am I letting fear rule my life once again?

 But in truth. Every step of this journey is a step towards where we are eventually going. Every step is molding and changing us into who we will need to become to end up where ever God has us.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Hillsong -Oceans (where feet may fail)

“At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.” – Lemony Snickets


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