Being the oldest is something I was born to be, Firstborn came with some pretty lofty expectations. First to walk, talk, grow up, go through puberty, get my licence, drive, work, get married, & move out. not necessarily in that order.  But being the oldest you get a lot of first experiences. And you carry a HUGE weight to not stumble, or let your siblings fall. 


I knew how to say yes ma'am to mom & dad so that even if they said something I did not agree with I would be able to stop a lecture instead of starting one. I knew how to ask for things in the way that usually ended up in me getting them, & I knew that sometimes mom & dad would just say no....so I just settled for not asking. 


I always thought I would make mom & dad proud in everything I did, being a massive people-pleaser.  But somewhere along the way I struck out on my own & did things of my own accord....Even now something my own mother told me is stuck in my head reminding me that being yourself & being happy with that is what matters....."I'm really glad you didn't wait until you were almost 40 to figure out who you were & what you wanted. I'm glad that you figured it out & you chose what was right for you." Even if I feel like I let them down in a lot of my decisions, or that I was not the ideal guinea pig firstborn....I remember that my mom is proud of the fact that I was strong enough to strike out on my own.


My brother Joshua was the explorer. Always trying to push his limits and figure out what he could and couldn't change. He is still to this day, exploring. He has moved the furthest away so far, Austin Texas, while not really all that far away....is further from our parents than any of us have gone thus far.  


Rebecca,she was the smiling child. My sister, the one who would always be the envy in photographs. She is gorgeous. LOOK AT HER. Her smile just pulls you in, she is the golden child. Nothing Becca did was wrong. It's still that way, she is the one I feel like has the weight of the world on her shoulders, the weight of my parents approval, because I let them down in too many a way. 


Solomon is the baby, so cute, so adorable, innocent in any & everything. We would send him to ask for what we wanted on a daily basis because mom always told him yes. He is still the baby, protected & at home, he will be 17 this year. It's crazy to think that we all grew up so fast. 


when I look at the photos of when we were young I can see that scared apprehensive look on my face, while still smiling, I was always thinking about what was going to happen next. My mind always on the present. never on the long term. I was all mind works. Always thinking. thoughts are filling my head even now. But in the photos of yesterday....I am carefree, I have changed in many ways.



Being a sister, that is the real weight I will always carry. I am the only example she has, the one who has been through the same things, the same moves, I have the same background as she. We come from the same cloth. She a bit more vibrant & Me with secret compartments.Each of my moves contemplated with her in mind. 
The quote ..................................

“Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.” 
― Louise Glück 

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is very true of me & my sister, I will always be the watcher, the one who contemplates all of the moves her sister makes & watches as she dances her way through life charming everyone she meets. With her smile, her grace, & her kindness.

It's not often that we love someone enough to die for them, It's not often that we know that we would. But I know without a doubt I would give my whole life if it would make hers better. 


When we are together her creative mind it melds with my own & we inspire one another to be more than we dreamed. She is a fabulous student, & while I was not, she is the only thing making me want to go back to school. She inspires me to be more than I ever was. I can only dream that I have taught her to shine, & shown her that in this crazy world there will always be a safe place for her to call home, & that is wherever I am. 


Rebecca, if you ever read this....know that I am so proud of you, & NOTHING you do will ever change that, you are something to be proud of simply because you are my sister. You are me....only different. YOU are my best friend. I can say that because I know I will always have you.



Yesterday 4-7-2013

“A young lady's most natural ally is her sister."
― Anna Godbersen
"she is my sister. Parents die, daughters grow up and marry out, but sisters are for life. She is the only person left in the world who shares my memories of our childhood, our parents, our struggles, our sorrows, and, yes, even our moments of happiness and triumph. My sister is the one person who truly knows me, as I know her." -Lisa See
Picture
23 and 19 years of age
“Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.” 
― Carol Saline

 





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